Email of the Day

I just recieved the email below in my inbox.

Dear friends and colleagues,

Next Magazine in association with...Splash Club Bar & Lounge, Stoli Vodka, Life Beat: The Music IndustryFights Aids, Bally Total Fitness, Island House Resort, LasagnaRisatorante, Spa Sun and The Public Theater Group and Centaur Music presents......

NEXTWORKS:NYC'S PREMIERE MONTHLY GAY PROFESSIONALS SOCIAL NETWORKING EVENT!

Join us for our first event of 2005 and enjoy an evening of networking,socializing and corporate cruising (of course!)Tuesday, February 1st 6pm-9pmatSplash Bar, Club & Lounge50 W. 17th St. (bet. 5th & 6th Aves.)

Networking? Funny, we used to just call it cruising.

Hey Mom! Is there any meth left? Will you give my new friend Paul a handjob? How about mixing up a pitcher of martinis? THANKS! You are the BEST!!!

This makes me sort of sad today.

Blizzard '05

You cannot purchase lube or gay porn in Queens, even in a blizzard. Please take note.

Mary, Mary, Mary

With all this homo talk, I had forgotten about my favorite American Idol loser from this week.

MARY ROACH!!!

Go ahead, watch the video. I can't anymore. She has officially freaked me out. I actually felt as if she was looking AT ME through my TV screen. My boyfriend tightened his grip on my leg, and I could feel the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

I wonder, is this the last we have heard from Mary? Is she a sniper? A witch? Can she channel Sarah McLachlan? Is she even human? Does anyone have any answers for me? I can't sleep at night. SOMEONE. ANYONE. HELP ME.

Homos EVERYWHERE!!!

Thanks to Slate, we have an update on the fabulous rumor that Abe Lincoln could have been gay. I, for one, have spent many a night, awake, listening to my stomach rumble while staring at the ceiling, and wondering simultaneously - "Should we put a mirror up there?" and "Was Abe Lincoln a fag?".

For example:
"His White House bed, nine feet long, nearly nine feet high at the headboard, had bunches of grapes and flying birds carved in its black walnut." (Abraham Lincoln: The Prairie Years and the War Years, Page 389)

Now, tonight, I am probably going to be wondering if there was a mirror on Abe's ceiling. Great.

THE TRUTH ABOUT SPONGES

So, CNN's "QuickVote" poll is all about Spongey today. It thrills me to no end that the majority of pollers agree on the fact that he is really, beyond anything anyone could ever say about him, just a sponge. Either AFA hasn't seen the poll, simply aren't participating, or are binge drinking in their garages while their children are at school.

Poll Results are in:

SpongeBob SquarePants is:

Promoting the acceptance of homosexuality
10%
12258 votes

Promoting tolerance and diversity
17%
20354 votes

Absorbent, yellow and porous
72%
84770 votes

Total: 117382 votes

On the other side of the sink, however, I have just learned that sponges can harbor over seven BILLION microorganisms, including E. coli, staph, and salmonella. I don't know about you, but I am pretty sure that I will be staying away from that yellow faggot going forward.

Please pass me one of those lesbian disenfecting wipes, instead.

I Feel Dirty

It is friday, and although I have been attempting to update this blog with news of the world, but someone, somewhere, at my office, is doing their damnedest to thwart my endeavors. The server simply is not allowing these posts to happen. Should I be working instead? Perhaps. I will get to that later.

A quick rundown of all things important that you probably missed from my non-posted entries:

James St. James is stalking Brandon Davis via the internet...

Debbie Rowe has put Jacko's ring on EBay (I can't find it, though - Cindy Adams told me).

I have taken a vow of silence where Brad and Jen are concerned.

This is HOT.

Linda Lovelace has finally taught us how to Deep Throat (you can learn, too, provided you know how to breathe, and don't mind the part where "your mind just gets into a whole thing where, uh, your throat does feel like a vagina...".

I apparently have become addicted to World Of Wonder. Someone STOP ME.

On Project Runway this week, Heidi said 'Auf Wiedersehen' to Alexandra, and Austin pimped out his 16 year old model - which resulted in a mention in Page Six, immunity for the next competition, and a moment of silence from my sofa when we realized that we were not going to get to see him cry like a little bitch this week.

I spent 4 hours hooking TiVo up last night because my new cable service doesn't have DVR. Who would have thought I would miss Time Warner? What are all those extra cords in the box I didn't use?

Homosexuality: SpongeBob SquarePants and the American Family Association are at "blows" over a video. Seems some conservative Christian groups have been searching for gay undertones in EVERYTHING again. James Dobson, founder of Focus on the Family, said this:

"We see the video as an insidious means by which the organization is manipulating and potentially brainwashing kids. It is a classic bait and switch."

I love it. Really. BRAINWASHING. AWESOME.

I am totally back!! Like, TOTALLY!

Oh crap...

I had all but forgotten about this blog. I was mired down in the goings-on of the world during the previous months and I simply took some time off. It was extremely enjoyable, but I have to get down to business now.

Now begins tomorrow. Or later tonight. I don't know, I am getting kind of sleepy thinking about it.

Remember to check back, and I promise to put the crack pipe down and do some typing real soon.

Kisses.